I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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