I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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