I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
it's like iHOP with fire
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
