Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize