I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
