it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
