I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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