Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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