Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
