Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
