before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
