so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
