So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
