tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
