Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
