Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
