I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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