First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
