So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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