I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
