Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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