I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
