man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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