Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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