The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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