Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
