hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
