then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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