she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
