so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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