dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
