I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Randomize
