i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He shit in the fireplace
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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