Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
