I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
