If i could tip my vagina, i would.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
