Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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