I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
