at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
