Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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