"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
