I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
