If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
she looked like the before picture.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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