I just threw up on my dentist
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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