Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
