nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
