remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just took my morning after pill in the library
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
