you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
