When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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