I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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