I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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