so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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