Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I can text with my tongue
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
