I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
