So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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