were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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