im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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