Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
