i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
