How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
